How To Ditch the Self Doubt
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This is probably the most transparent I've been in a podcast interview. It's all about confidence... something that we have to completely relearn as moms and something that can easily be thrown off by self-doubt.
In this conversation I got to have with Justine of the Courage Queen Podcast, we talk about the importance of mindset and how it is the foundation for everything, we bring up the enneagram, personal growth, battling self-doubt and insecurities when it comes to what you are capable of, and how to make choices that serve you best tomorrow. It's a self-awareness deep dive conversation with tactical tools to change your language and focus on progress for more long term results. Enjoy!
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FULL TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] If you wanna hear pieces of my story that you have never heard before, I've never shared publicly. This is the episode for you. This is the one to listen to. I recently got to get interviewed for the courage queen podcast, which is hosted by my great friend, Justine Wenzel. Her message is phenomenal. It's another podcast that I would recommend to you wholeheartedly, but I was honored to get to be on her show.
And this interview that you get to hear today is actually Justine interviewing me. About my story and my journey to just getting to know myself better so I could heal. And so I could work from and live from this place of freedom and truly knowing how God designed me and being better able to understand that.
So this conversation was. So fun. Justine is a friend that I've actually gotten the honor to meet with in person. We get to have lunch a couple months ago together, down on a Las Vegas strip of all places, but she is an amazing friend. She's a, an expecting mom for the first time. So she's got a great perspective and she's a [00:01:00] business owner.
She owns multiple businesses with her husband. So she's got a really cool background and she's got a really cool story herself. I'm sure I'll have her on the podcast sometimes soon to share it. Because her story and what has led to, with her becoming a mom and her whole perspective is just a beautiful thing that I personally haven't experienced.
And so I'm sure there's moms out there that would relate to it. So I think it'll be a great story for you to get to hear. But again, today, You get to hear my conversation with her on her podcast. And we talk a lot about mindset, about limiting beliefs, about how important growth mindset is in compared to having a fixed mindset and a lot about how stuff that happened in the past affects how we function day to day as humans right now, and tying it all in with how God intends for us to live.
What he wants for our lives, what he knows about us. Um, if you know me or follow me, I am a Christian. So a lot of our conversation does tie back to the Lord. And so this is just so fun that I get to share this conversation here [00:02:00] on the tough love mom podcast. So go ahead, get ready to be encouraged.
Spurred on. And honestly, this is the most vulnerable I have been on a podcast interview before, but again, it's because it's with Justine, who's a great friend and I'm really excited that you get to know me on a deeper level that you get to hear my heart from a very raw open place, and let's just get into it, cuz it's a great conversation and I'm excited to bless you with it today.
Hey, mama. Welcome to the tough love mom podcast. I know you're here because you're ready to get consistent and finally lose that weight. And you're not afraid of a little tough love, you know, what to do to lose weight. But following through on those things feels impossible. You wish you could just feel like you're strong, confident self again, and want to be good example for your little ones, but you get thrown off by mom guilt and the unpredictability of motherhood.
It's frustrat. Taking on your journey. [00:03:00] Postpartum is hard, but it's not impossible. Hey, I'm Liz and I've been where you are. I gained a lot of weight in my pregnancies, 90 pounds, and then 60 pounds. I needed to lose that weight to take control of my health. And honestly just wanted to feel like myself again with a sustainable approach to weight loss.
Simple consistency in working on my mindset. I lost it all in just over a year, both times. And I'm here to help you do the same. I believe that we have an ingrained ability to figure out what we need to do, make it happen and do it in a way that AWS the world, if you're ready to stop falling off the wagon, create solid routine and healthy habits and finally feel your best inside.
And. All while enjoying D nuggets on your salad, you are in the right place. We're about to transform your journey. My friend get pumped up. It is tough. Love time.
Welcome back to the queen podcast. This is your podcast, host Justine [00:04:00] Wenzel, and it just feels weird to like, say your entire first name by the way. I'm like, who is this person? She thinks she is? No, but you're here listening. And we have another. Queens on fire summer series. I can't even believe that we're in August.
It's so crazy to think about like, literally I hate to be one of those people that's like, where did the summer go? It, it like, honestly just flies by and it's so crazy. We've had some amazing guests come on. I'm really extremely excited for today because my friend, Liz Henderson is here. She's like one of my OG people from my mastermind that I was in, um, in my podcast coaching program that I did back in the winter.
And so you see all my, all my girls from this course are coming on to share their brilliance, like all summer, because I need every single one of them. To like be infiltrated into your minds of like how amazing they are. And this is coming from me, of course. Um, not them because they're a lot more humble.
I just need you to know how amazing they are. Liz. I actually had the pleasure of meeting in person. When I was on a work trip in Vegas with my husband [00:05:00] for his work. And it was just so fun to be able to meet and have lunch. And you know, like when you have those conversations where you meet somebody in person, you're like, I feel like I've known this person, literally my entire life.
Like, I feel like we're just girlfriends, we've known each other and that's kind of how it was. It just like clicked. And I was like, I can hang out with her like 10,000 more times. And she is in the middle of so many crazy life transitions right now. I can't even tell you she's a mom. We have coined her.
Just in general as the tough love mom, she claims to be a normal next door mom, but literally I swear, she's like a superhero talent person. Okay. Let me just explain to you she's podcast host of the tough love mom podcast, which we're gonna get into in a little bit. I cannot wait for our conversation today.
Like I said, she's in the middle of transition right now. She's in the process. They just found out they're moving, she's got two littles, she's a wife, she's a business owner. She helps women feel confident in their own skin transitioning and getting consistent. Whether that's with nutrition, workouts, there's, you know, [00:06:00] mindsets specifically.
We're really gonna dig into some of those topics today. And we're just gonna see where the conversation goes in the realm of personal. And opening yourself up to what some of these tools that you can use that allow you to have more healing and freedom in your life as a business owner. Because as we know, and we talk about all the time, all of these things in your personal life overflow into your professional life, whether you want them to or not.
So like what is in the cup and what is filling out? That's what we need to focus on. So Liz I, without further ado, I'm like, let me talk for 25 minutes about how amazing you are. I love your hair and. It's on you now, girl, thanks so much for having me on today. It was funny when you were talking about the cup and what's in it and what overflows
This is, this is where I'm, I'm very visual. And so I pictured this cup and instead of it being like gently poured into and all the stuff that's going in, gently overflows, I'm picturing this cup getting knocked around and just what's splashing out. Cause that's what life's like. Right, right. Yeah. You're like trying to hold it in the cup.
You're like, [00:07:00] nobody hit me. Nobody hit me. You stay over here, you stay over here. Yeah. We're like the cup and we're just getting knocked around by life. And so, yeah. You know, what's splashing out. That's what's inside you can't you can't, you can't fake. What's what's inside. So I just pictured that. When you said it made me laugh.
I love it. It's authentic. I think a lot of people can relate. . Yeah. And that's you, I really appreciate that intro. That was really kind of you, all those words you said. Um, but like Justine said, I'm a very normal person. Like I'm, I've done a lot of things in my life that maybe aren't normal. Um, but it's, it all comes from a place of, I just wanna be better.
I wanna challenge myself. I like doing hard things physically, mentally, which again is not normal, but. It's fun. Like it's fun to see what you're actually capable of a long time ago. I learned this, I think David Goins is actually the one who came up who like coined this rule, if you would call it that, but it's called the 40% rule.
So when you feel like physically you're at. Max capacity you cannot [00:08:00] do anymore. You can't take another step. You can't do another pull up. You can't, I can't even do pull up, uh, sit up those are stroll, struggle bus for moms. yeah. I'm like, um, yeah, I've done like one in my life, I think. Um, but like, when you feel like you're a max capacity, you can't do anymore, you're really only at 40% of what you're physically capable of.
And I just love that rule. We are capable of so much more, not only physically, but in our business mentally, emotionally, we're capable of so much more. And I think that's part of. I'm I'm a Christian. So when you know, God created us, we don't fully even know ourselves because he's the only one that knows us fully.
And so when we can tap into those moments where we go a little bit beyond what we thought we were capable of or who we are or whatnot, we're tapping into more of what God, I'm getting chills more of what he knows about us. More of what he just knows in general. And I think that's so it's just so encouraging.
So instead of seeing them as hard and, oh my gosh, I don't know if I'm gonna make it through this season or [00:09:00] this workout or whatever it is. You get to know more of yourself because you're getting to know more of God. And it's like this interwoven thing that I think is so cool. And I was even, I even had that mentality before I became a Christian, but it really ramped up.
And I think part of why I'm so drawn to doing hard things, given the tough love is because of what comes from it. So especially in our relationship with award. Oh, never introduced myself like that before, but that makes a lot of sense in my head. I know I'm on right now. Like seriously, you guys, this is what I'm talking about.
Okay. So like stay tuned for literally your face to be blown up. And I'm not sure why my entire extended family right now is trying to get me to join a zoom call. So let me please ex out of this. We're just gonna hope that everything's fine. So we're gonna jump into this. I loved, first of all, I love that intro for so many reasons.
And I just wrote down a couple things. I think this is a great place to. This whole idea of what you believe you're capable of. Okay. So like, let's talk about belief [00:10:00] specifically when you've recognized and you're aware of the fact, okay, I'm at a place where I feel like I've hit my wall of what I'm capable of, but then giving yourself that pause and that moment to say, I'm gonna open myself up to see what God is trying to teach me.
I'm gonna open up myself to stretch myself to what I could be capable of and almost. I have a obsession with like, getting curious about everything mm-hmm so I think that's exactly what you're saying. Like, I think we have that in common of like, when you say like, I'm just this normal mom, but I do like a lot of abnormal of putting this in quotes, abnormal mom stuff, or abnormal stuff for the everyday person, because you really have mentally in your mind, this belief.
And it's going to drive every single behavior that you have. You have this belief that like when you come to a block of, I don't think I'm capable. I don't think I can go past this point. You're going to push the envelope to see how much farther you can go because you know, the truth mm-hmm and the truth is that you [00:11:00] can go so much farther than that.
And that when you tap into more of the spiritual realm of saying, okay, God, you know, so much more about me than I know about myself, help me to see how I can go further and depend on you. Anytime that we think. In our own realm of control of like, this is how much I can contribute, and this is how much I can control her.
This is how much that I can do. I think that's like a red flag because yeah, it's saying, okay, well, God, didn't ask you to do it in your own strength. He's asking you to do it in his. So if you're in that realm where you're like, I can't even see myself accomplishing that goal, I can't see, see myself even going to that place.
That probably means that that's where he wants you to go, because that means that you're relying on his strength above your own. Yeah. And I wonder if so back when. I really gave my life to the Lord. I lived lukewarm for a few years there. I came to no Christ in college and I was at a top party school at West Virginia university.
I was an athlete. So, um, it was a fun time there. It was a fun time. Yeah. Before I became a [00:12:00] Christian, except it was also a fun, a fun time afterwards. But, um, the night that. I was like, man, I, I have to either live for the Lord or I have to try to rely on my own strength. The night I had to make that decision.
Um, it was Memorial day weekend, 20 13, 20 13, 20 14. One of those years, 2013, I believe we will be fact checking this. So make sure it's correct. checking. Um, it was 2013 and, um, Because I got baptized like a month and a half later, in 2013. So, uh, I got a, we, I went to FCA camp. I was in FCA and I went to FCA camp that summer.
Um, that weekend actually it was Memorial day weekend down in St. Simon's island, Georgia, which is it's like summer camp for college athletes. Who loved Christ. It was great. It was a great, it was like, you know, spiritual mountaintop type weekend. And I get back to school. It's [00:13:00] um, it's may I get their first summer training?
And I get a call that night, Memorial day that evening. It is, uh, my dad saying that my mom was in this horrible, um, burn. She had a horrible burn accident where she, the, the gas grill was leaking and she went to light it. And this fireball just came out. She was going to a burn unit in a different state.
And I had just saw her a few days before, cause we stopped through, on our drive down to stay with them for the night. And, um, It was just this moment of like pit in my stomach. I don't know what to do, but all I could hear, all I could was God telling me, like, I've got you in this. Cause I couldn't go back home to be with my family.
I'm the oldest. So I feel I have a very like nurturing spirit about me. Um, I like to take care of things. I like to have control over situations. And this is one where I had. I had zero control. I can't help my mom medically. I'm a college kid studying education. I know nothing about medicine. Um, I [00:14:00] can't go home because I have to be at school for classes and for training.
And I was just like, I have, I have to trust God through all of this. And it was scary. Like it was, I will never forget that night, but I think because the moment I was like, okay, I do have to fully rely on God. I can't be Luke warm in this. It allowed me again to know anytime I feel my situation is Rocky and I've had a lot more rockier moments since then.
Um, my mom's fine. She's doing great. She is a rock star, um, by the way, but she healed than everything and she's doing wonderful right now. Um, she's an amazing grandma but mm-hmm, , I've had so many more situations since then that have been just. Just like, how would someone get through this? You know, a one and a half year old and a six month old.
And my husband deploys for six months, he's in the military, you know, literally we find out one day and he leaves the next weekend. Like that's what his last two deployments were like. They were very last minute. [00:15:00] I was momming by myself. The first one I had a, a one year old and I was. A couple months pregnant.
We didn't know when he would be coming home, if we would even be home for the birth and the pandemic hit a couple months in. So it was just to the deployment. So it was just like, I've had a lot of those moments where it's just like, how would someone get through this with optimism? How would someone get through this with hope?
And I think it's because the moment I truly had to decide to live for the Lord. It was a moment of complet. You said complete surrender. I had no other option. And so every time I'm faced with that, whether it's life circumstance or in the middle of a workout, or like this year, I did the David Goggins, um, four by four by 48 challenge.
So you run four miles, every four hours for 48 hours. Call me crazy. I think I'm a little psycho for doing it, but yeah, like I have so many moments where I was like, I'm just gonna break. This is not fun. I'm, I'm physically dying right now, but I've had so many moments whether physically or life circumstances where I just have to go, this is all God.
Like, I don't know how I'm gonna get through [00:16:00] this. And it's cool. Cuz we were talking about this before, but when I get to that point, And get through it and people are like, how, like, how are you doing? How do you do it all? I hate that question. Cause I don't don't do it all. Our house is never clean, but I think it, that question more so comes from how do you get through these things that seem really hard and stay consistent?
Have a good mindset. Once, like anyone else might crumble. And I think it's truly because I just, and, and it's cool in those moments. I get to point back to God. Like, I don't know. It's God who gets me through, honestly, like I don't have another answer for you. I know he's made me capable of more. I know I'm physically capable of a lot, and I know that even though this season's hard and like, I mean, I have so many weak moments where, you know, I'll go reach for a bowl of cereal and cuz I don't wanna make dinner or.
I get more frustrated with my kids than I'd want to, like I have, I have weak moments. I am human, but [00:17:00] through those, I have the opportunity to tell myself, like, even though this is really hard right now, my husband and I were just talking about this yesterday, even though the season's hard or I feel purposeless or whatever it is in that season, that just seems dire.
It seems kind of, you know, just not great. There is something that is going to work out with this. There is something that God is going to work together for long term, his good cuz he's gonna get the glory for it as long as you're pointing back to him and not yourself. And I think that when you go to rely on yourself in those situations, you can't, I mean, obviously you can't give him the glory cuz you're pointing back to yourself, but you just don't get through with the same amount of hope and optimism and joy that you could.
If you were to just say, it's God getting me through this, like. The prayer that comes outta my mouth the most often right now is like, Lord, just help me get through this day. Please help give me the patience that I need for my children help give me just the slowness that my mind needs. Cuz my mind goes a [00:18:00] million miles an hour.
Think my voice does too. If I'm talking too fast, I'm sorry. You're good. Like I'm squirrel braining, but it just. I don't know. I think that point where I had to give my life over to Christ, I was the most moment of like, it was the biggest moment of surrender I've ever had ever in my life that it's allowed me to go back to that place time and time again, no matter what the circumstance was causing me to do that.
Mm, that's so powerful. I wanna point it back to, again, this very specific thing that you said, which was when people ask you, like how do you do it? Or how do you get through, like when a lot of people, it seems like they wouldn't have the mental toughness. To be able to withstand whether it's a spiritual attack, going back to that belief that you set that like, God was always gonna get you through it and that his plans are better than your own.
Oh yeah. And so that's like, that's kind of where you boomerang back to, which is why I think like you've just decided that that's how [00:19:00] you're gonna react. And I think that's sometime we underestimate the power in that alone. What am I gonna pre decide so that when I'm in these situations, where am I boomeranging back to.
What foundation are they set in? Because if they're not super strong, when life is easy, they're certainly not gonna be strong when, when life starts to get hard and different, and those transitions start to happen. You know, we talked a lot as we were getting onto this call today about some of the personal development tools that you used.
You were progressing as a business owner, like how you turned your passion into a business, kind of what your story was and how you became like this tough love mom that started this amazing podcast for women to specifically help moms. But I think you do so much more than that because I think it is. So mindset focus, which is really what I wanna get into today of like, what are those personal development tools that have changed your [00:20:00] life that have made the biggest impact?
And I'd love to kind of just see where that goes today. Yeah. Well, in mindset's the, if you don't address any of the mindset stuff going on, And you try to fix anything else or change behaviors, change, thought patterns, which is ultimately mindset. Like if you're trying to change stuff without addressing what your mindset is, it won't actually stick right.
Like trying to put pieces of paper together without glue. It doesn't work. You have to use glue or tape or double sided tape. I don't care, but you gotta fix the mindset. And it's kind of like whether you use glue, sorry for the jets we live on base. they're loud today. Whether you use glue or double sided tape or whatever, something's going to help you start sticking those papers together.
I don't know why the heck I'm using that metaphor, but you have to start addressing your mindset somewhere. And for me, a few years ago, it was the Enneagram test. And I was like, oh, when I finally figured out which number I am, it, everything in my life started to make more sense because I [00:21:00] realized, oh, I'm, I'm wired this way.
This is what I'm geared towards in conflict. This is how I'm geared. Solving problems. This is what I'm motivated by. And when I finally understood those things and also was able to understand, oh, all of these people around me are different. they're not gonna think the same as I am and I'm in any room one.
So like, I. I think it's my way or the highway, my way is the best way. That's kind of like, how I like to think. And I finally could realize, oh, that's just how I think, but it's definitely not how my husband thinks, cuz he's different than I am. It's not how my family thinks. It's not how my kids think. It's not how most of the other people in my life are.
And so I can't expect them. To be the way that I am. One of the things that I found so interesting about what you said when you were like, oh, I'm a, like, I'm a total engram one. I found that. So what I've noticed, so like I'm in engram seven. And I'm so obsessive with not only making everything fun and like as many dopamine hits as freaking possible.
We were talking about [00:22:00] this a little bit before, but I've always struggled with Enneagram ones because they're like so many of the Enneagram ones that I meet are like, so rigid that like there's no flexibility. What's so. And I feel like I drive them crazy for not being rigid, but then like, they literally cannot handle the fact that like, they can't catch me to fit me in this box to how they, how they want things done, because I'm like, I'm so far out of the box that they're just like, yeah, my brain just blew up and I need you to have some semblance of freaking normal function right now.
And like, I have none of that. So, so funny I could cracked up when you said that, just kind of dipping into the end angiogram for a second. If you haven't taken that assessment, like I have so many people take that because. There's it's so easy to think that all of these assessments are the same. Like my, my husband's I think I'm pretty sure my husband's either.
Like, I'm pretty sure he is in Enneagram eight, but like, it was hilarious because when I tried to get him to take it, he was like, well, what's the Enneagram type. That's like, screw this. I'm not taking no tests. Like I don't, I don't need [00:23:00] to like, change anything. And I was like, uh, and then like I did, I like typed it into Google, just as a.
And it literally came up and it was like, Enneagram, eights will often get violent or like divisive. Like they don't, they don't see any problem with why they have to take the test. Like my husband literally does not believe in personality indicator tests, but here's the thing that's different about the Enneagram that I tell people is a lot of tests are supposed to teach you how you see the world.
Like whether you're more introverted, extroverted, whatever the Enneagram specifically tells you. Like what your motives are. So like, we could both want a clean house, which now I'm just becoming a comedian. I, yeah, I think it's hilarious how I want a clean house, cuz it's literally not even possible. I don't even have kids yet, but we could both theoretically want a clean house, but our motives for wanting a clean house are drastically different.
And so the engram is all about not putting you into a box and using, oh, I'm like this. And then it's like an excuse for me to [00:24:00] continue acting a particular way or like, oh, these are just my quirk. It's more about knowing and understanding how you were uniquely made. Like they actually say you were born into your engram type and it is like God given in a way, not like officially, but in a way it's like God created you for that specific with those specific motives and desires in mind.
And when you open yourself up to that as a tool, you either move more towards health, or it explains why you're in different places when you're moving towards an unhealthy pattern or under stress. Yeah. And so it really same exact thing. As you said, we were talking about before the engram really opened my eyes up to starting to dig into why do I think this way?
Why is this my motive? And then it helped me connect all these dots to my past when it came to like me going through my healing process, right after that, I really trust that like, God led me to that as a tool of self discovery so that I could start to open myself up to being a little bit more [00:25:00] introspective, but then saying, Lord, I have all these feelings help me connect the dots.
And make it relevant to how you created me so that I could have more of an understanding of it and be less reliant on my feelings. Mm-hmm like help them to make sense and validate them, but help me to be less reliant on my feelings and more reliant on the commitment to be obedient to your call. Yeah.
Even when I feel inadequate yeah. And he doesn't want us relying on, like, our feelings are so fickle, he does not want us being guided by what we feel. He wants us being guided by the truth and. Ultimately, like he knows everything about us. And so if we can just rely on what he's telling us is true about us, about the world, about what he intends for our lives, like what his purpose is for our lives.
If we can trust that and be directed by that, instead of what we're feeling, we are gonna be on a much better track, again, directed towards health, which Ngrams like this tiny little piece of like, what can help you. Be more focused on God with everything that you do. Um, it's not like the be all end all, but it's such a cool [00:26:00] avenue again for that realization of, oh, this is why I do this.
And this is why I get frustrated with my husband about this. And, and I can understand why, like, you know, there's, there's unhealthy things in my life and why there's things I really Excel in and it lets. Work on certain areas, capitalize on others. And I think when again, you just have that perspective of how can I use this to keep my life on track with what God wants for me, uh, or follow what he wants for me.
If I don't quite know where it's going or how this is gonna work out or how it, you know, how this is making me better, cuz it's really hard. If you can trust that. and again, use tools along the way. For me at the Igram was just the first thing, like every single personal development book I've read since then every podcast episode I've listened to.
I have this different perspective on now because I understand myself a little bit better when I read the Bible. And when I'm reading about different people in the Bible, when I'm just. When I'm [00:27:00] plugged into God, I can understand more about myself too, because of just using that tool at one time. I don't honestly don't know that much about the Ngram outside of, you know, what I've learned about myself through it.
And then I just kind of moved on to focus on other things, focus on God, continuing to focus on him, but. When you allow that to happen and you're vulnerable with yourself about who you are. And you're like, okay, I can, I can be a little difficult person to be around when I'm this way. Um, you know, I'm being very generic in how I speak, cuz we're all so different, but.
I think when you allow yourself to be vulnerable in that, it just gives you so much more room to grow and expand and do new things and believe new things about yourself that weren't there before or heal from things like you said. Um, I played volleyball growing up. That's what I played in college. And, um, I played for a really, really good program, a travel program in high school.
And [00:28:00] the, the coaches were tough. I mean, in the greatest way, they, a lot of them spur you on almost everyone went on to play in college. Uh, lots of division one players and. Super cool experience that I got to have and, you know, growth that I got to experience within volleyball. But, um, I had an experience there where I felt, and I , I was, I was talking to my therapist about this.
I don't even know if it was, um, What it felt like to me, but my experience of my lived experience of that season that I played, um, I felt like there was a lot of verbal abuse going on, not, and that's like such a heavy term to use, but I felt very. Not seen talk down to, and part of that's because of my, the way I am designed, I just take things very critically, even constructive criticism.
I have to, like, I have to guard my mind with how I'm taking that, because if I don't, I can take it really personally. And I took a, I was 16 years old that [00:29:00] year or 17, I was S. I had a lot of, like, I took a lot personally, that's a big year of development, just in all the ways. And it really affected me years down the road and my confidence on the court.
Um, because I just felt very insecure in my abilities. To play volleyball, even though like all these things around me were proving differently. I played a division one school. I started some at the time. Like I, there was so much going on around me. That was proving, not different, but to me, because of that, honestly, it wasn't even all season.
It was probably like, A dozen times here and there where I got it probably made a mistake that was worthy of, you know, being yelled at in a sense, but the way I experienced it, because of the way God designed me. And because I was kind of on an unhealthy track, I wasn't a Christian at that point. So I didn't know my true identity.
I didn't know what God said about me, but. Because of that experience, it created a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism that kind of compounded. And I [00:30:00] have been in the process since I could finally put those pieces together. Oh. Because of the way God designed me and that I could thrive in if I used this part of.
My personality, my way of thinking my motives. If I use that in a way to honor him and continue to grow and to who he really created me to be, instead of giving into this experience that happened like a DEC over a decade ago, and continuing allowing that to bring me down, make me critical, make self critical, make me more nervous around what I'm actually capable of doing.
It depends. Like I have the choice of what I'm gonna give into. And if I choose to continue letting that one experience guide my whole life and my confidence and my courage to do new things, if I allow that to happen, I'm not honoring God in that. And I, I know that now I can put the pieces together. So it's a decision once you can like put words to what happened in the past and how it's affecting you now.
Like you said, it's a, pre-decision like, you have to decide from that point on. Okay. Every time I [00:31:00] experience this thought where this feeling comes up because of something I experienced in the past, but I can realize now how it's affecting me. I have like, if I decide to give into that, it is a choice. And I, I talk about that a lot on my podcast, because again, mindset's everything.
It literally, if you don't fix it, you can't change. But that whole. Once, once something, I like to tell moms that that first thought that comes into your mind, you cannot control it. Like whatever that first initial thought. Is whether it's anxious or frustrated or angry or sad or nervous, like in any situation, the initial thought you have the initial feeling you have, you can't really control like that is innate.
That's part of how you were designed. That's part of your past experiences. So for me, a lot of that initial, a lot of those initial thoughts are self doubt. Which people are probably like, what is she serious? Like, yeah. Like I really am. A lot of [00:32:00] those are self doubt. A lot of them are, wow. I'm like really frustrated or really tired.
I'm very quick to anger. So I have to be very careful to take my thoughts captive because I know that I am control of that next thought. And I think that's something we miss and don't realize often is that first thought that comes in, like give yourself grace with that. It is okay. If your initial thought in any situation.
Is something you don't want it to be, but what you do with that thought, what comes next is in complete control of like you have complete control over that and you have to choose one way or the other. And so if you're choosing to entertain that thought and continue to go down an anxious path, continue to go down a frustrated path, continuing to go down this path of self doubt, this path of self pity.
This path of, I hate my body, whatever it is. If you continue to go down that path, it's a choice. If you continue. On a different trajectory, if you say whoa, like, and, and I think I can say this now, because I've used these [00:33:00] tools, this engram tool, all these personal development books I've read since then, all the things I, everything I consume, I'm like, okay, how does this apply to me?
And how can I use it to again, honor God more with my life and how I live and spur my children on and help my husband live, you know, in a way that honors God, too, when I have that moment, I. Only been able to do that and really be in control of that second thought, not have as much self doubt because I was open to how God designed me and learning more about that.
But we have that choice again, when that first thought comes in to do something different with it to say, I know that's not true to combat it with scripture, to combat it with experiences that you, that like every single time I was had all this doubt on the volleyball. If I had known all the stuff I know now I could have combated those thoughts with, but I'm here on a division, one volleyball.
Like, I, I earned my place here. I worked for this I'm I'm here and I'm able, and, but I [00:34:00] couldn't speak that over myself at the time. Cuz I didn't know all of this about myself and how the past was affecting me. But once you can unlock that once you can figure those things out and start putting the puzzle pieces together, you do have that ability to make that choice with, with that initial thought, what you're gonna do with it.
What's gonna come next. And I don't know if I talk about that enough on my podcast, how it does take. Transition from, like I tell all the moms, you have to do something one way or the other. You have the initial thought, what are you gonna do with it? What's coming next. But you can't necessarily make the better choice.
That's gonna be good for you if you've never. Learned where that initial thought came from. And so I think that's the biggest thing with getting to know more about yourself and how God made you is it allows you to connect the past with who you are now and why you're thinking the way you do, you know, what, what your motives are, what motivates you to.
Want, what you want, think the way you do, if you don't know those things, you really can't make that choice. You're not empowered to, but [00:35:00] once you do, you gotta make that choice one way or the other, then you're onto something, right? Mm-hmm totally, I just took so many. Stick in notes because you brought so many great points, um, into my line of thought around this.
And I just wanna touch on a couple things and I wanna just affirm a lot of what you just said. Number one, I can totally understand how, you know, if anybody knows anything about the Agram and I know that you know this about yourself, but I wanna also like, as. Someone who maybe is a listener that wants to delve more into the Enneagram to like help use it as a tool.
That's what it is. It's a tool, it's a tool like so many other great things out there. It's not an end all be all. It's not a, what this tool says is above what God says. It's a tool. It's a tool designed to help us understand ourselves more. And I think for me, it really helped me to understand and connect the dots to.
Relational challenges that I had had in the past with like friends or coworkers or whatever, and [00:36:00] realizing like, oh, wow, this is how I act when I'm in an unhealthy space. And these are the things that trigger me. And the things that trigger me sometimes are brought out by people who. Again, this is how they were created.
So it actually gave me a lot more empathy and compassion for understanding other people and why they reacted the way that they did and why they had beliefs that they did based on their own personal experiences. That really, sometimes I knew nothing about the reason why criticism and why the language and let's use just the word.
Let's just use the word critic in general. The reason why that hit you ex especially hard for you. Is because any Agram one S are known to have the loudest self critic out of any of the types. And so you're constantly criticizing and questioning your own worth and your own abilities. So you become really like hurt and defensive when you're being accused or like it's being recognized by others.
You feel very exposed. I. [00:37:00] Because you've already been harshly criticized by yourself, like to a ridiculous degree approaching people that are, that are like that. It's not to say like, oh, they're just so sensitive. Like I hate when people say like, oh, they're just so sensitive because you really don't know someone's personal experiences and what you're triggering, you know, like you may have, my aunt uses the example all the time.
Like anything that you've gone through is like a visual bruise. And depending on how healed you are, where you're at with yourself and your own personal journey. It's like someone hitting that bruise and like triggering you in a particular way. And then it going from like the, the outside to the inside very quickly.
So I love that. A lot of the things that you shared that I wanna just touch on. And then I'll end with a couple other questions here, but not letting those thoughts take root, validating that original thought so that you can get to a point of, of staying curious about it and connecting the dot, not letting it get to a place where you're.
From a psychological standpoint, cuz I talk a lot about those, cuz I'm like very into the [00:38:00] brain and how the brain works all the time. Yes. So I, I go down that me, I like I'm so obsessive about it. Like I, as an add person, I like hyperfocus on anything having to do with like understanding the brain. And so from that psychological standpoint, one of the things that I learned to help me understand.
And build this foundation of belief of like, this is not something wrong with me. This is just how my brain works and how can I work with my brain and not with, against my brain when you're reinforcing the bad thoughts or the bad apple type of behaviors and thought patterns you're creating and reinforcing that neuro pathway over and over and over again.
So exactly like what you said, if you have a thought that is not serving you, that would be along the lines of being more of a fixed mindset thought when you have that thought. Am I operating in a way where I am comparing myself to others where I'm immediately putting myself down. I'm reinforcing this thought that I have, when people say like these definitive things set in stone, like I'm not good at, I'm not good at this.
Oh, I'll give you my, I Don don't think I can do [00:39:00] it. yeah. So I said for years, I'm not a runner. I don't run. I hate running. I ran 48 miles and 48 hours, like a couple months ago. So yeah, we know how that changed, but that was for me, I mean, decades, probably two and a half decades of a li limiting belief. And honestly I changed that over time, but, uh, a year and a half after I said that the last time a year and a half after that, I did an iron man triathlon.
So it's like, Yeah, go ahead with your example. I'm not a runner, so your brain, yeah. For years. So your brain, literally, when we say those things, kind of what I talk about, and a lot of times what I teach is like, when you say those things in your brain, the more that you have that same reinforced thought, and you're thinking it, and you're saying it you're reinforcing on a psychological level, the neuro pathway and strength of that belief.
And so what are you gonna do? They actually say that you notice it. So if you're saying like, I'm not good at this, I'm not good at running. I'm not a runner. One of the things that, um, that I realized newly becoming pregnant and that I [00:40:00] realized I had been saying to myself that I'd even realize was I would always use the phrase.
Um, I have a low pain tolerance. I would, I would just say that. And then literally God kind of convicted me one day. Like I was standing in the shower one day, which is where I have apparently all of like my like insane. It's like, cuz I can't do anything else. I'm like standing in the shower and God's like, all right, now I've got your attention.
Click, click, click. So I'm standing in the shower the one day. I was literally thinking about how I'm going to freaking birth a human outta my freaking, sorry for the language here, like freaking vaginal hole. And I was like, okay, how the freaking heck am I gonna do that? It's gonna freaking kill. And then I was like, God literally convicted me.
And he was like, Why do you think you have a low pain tolerance? Like it lit, it literally started with a question of like, well, why do you think you have a low pain tolerance? And I sat there and thought about it for a sec. I don't actually know that. That's true. Yeah. And then I sat there and like actually started to really get curious about it.
Like why would I think that is it because when I stub my toe, I've cried. Like, okay, that's one freaking example. But like, have I [00:41:00] actually been under, have I had a major surgery? No. Have I had any like major traumatic, like physical experience? No. I've freaking gone through trauma of being abused and come to the other side of that.
I think we sometimes just diminish and forget. Yeah. So many of these moments where we just like to get into this, like, oh, I don't, I don't. And I was just saying like, oh, I don't have a high pain tolerance. And I'm like, yeah, but what's the basis for that? Like, is that truth or is just, is that just how I feel or is that how I felt in one isolated incident?
Mm-hmm and then I repeated it over and over and over again, to make sense of what was happen. Yeah. So if you're someone saying like, I'm not good at this, you actually shift, you notice it, you pause and now you change and you add language on top of it because you can't just like, say, oh, that's not true because it, obviously you believe that it is true.
You've repeated it for a long time now. Mm-hmm so they actually say that you're supposed to say, I'm not good at this yet. And then you actually put [00:42:00] in what they call growth mindset, priming, which are like these words, like grow progress. Improve over time develop or become. So these are like some of the words that they call growth mindset priming, and you repeat something over and over and over again.
And the more times that you do it, and the more times that you're rewiring your neuro pathway, the more automatic it becomes to actually building that growth mindset. It doesn't just change over 24 hours of just like, you've decided like, oh, I want it to. That's years and years and years of trauma and past experiences.
And you looking through your lens of your own inadequacies and where maybe you have not stretched yourself to a new level of belief. So it's going to be very uncomfortable. And so I think that when you can say, I'm not good at this yet, but every single day that I'm working on it, I'm becoming, or I'm progressing into a stronger version of myself.
Absolutely. So that's how we kind of create and focus on progress rather than giving ourselves like this pass or fail. Scenario every single [00:43:00] time that we try to accomplish something or every single time that we try to hit a goal or stretch ourselves to a new dimension. Yeah. Yeah. That's so true. And I mean, I think back to that season, I said, I'm not a runner.
And I did like a 5k with some friends. And then a few months later I signed up for a sprint triathlon, which like takes an hour. They're really short, short races and. After I finished that sprint triathlon. That's when I was like, I'm gonna do an iron man. That sounds super fun. And that's like, there's a wide gap between those two lengths of races, about 120 mile gap between the two, like distance wise and literally every single, like, from that moment where I decided that I was going to do that type of race from that moment on, it was a constant, I'm not a runner, but I'm gonna go out for like a three mile run.
Which is further than I've ever ran before. And like, when I went out for my first five mile run, I love telling this story, cuz it's so ridiculous. it just, it's the perfect example of like me being very critical of myself and having a lot of self doubt, but [00:44:00] figuring out a way to move past that. So I was training for like another sprint triathlon or something.
And so I had a five mile run on my training program. And the furthest you run in a sprint triathlon is a 5k. So 3.1 miles, and I was running five cuz it was working on it, expanding my endurance. And so first time I've ever run five miles in my life at this point, I don't think I'd run more than four, which isn't that big of a difference?
Four to five. But I was in South Carolina between school years with my family. And I was like, mom, I'm gonna go run five miles. I might die. So if I'm not back in about 50 to 60 minutes, cuz I knew I ran at about a 10 minute pace. I'm not like I'm not this amazing runner I run at like a nine or 10 minute pace.
That's me very normal person. but I was like, if I'm not back in an hour, call 9 1 1 and come out, looking for me, cuz I'm probably dead on the side of the road. And I was like dead serious. When I said that to her, I was like [00:45:00] all, if I'm not back in an hour, please call 9 1 1. I am not. Surviving this five mile run , but it was all that self doubt, but I still went out and did it, and guess what?
I was back in 50 minutes and that was like one notch on the ladder of breaking away from that, like that limiting belief that I had about myself, literally for like 23, 24 years of my life. and I don't even know why I thought that because I never had tried to run at the pacer test. That's probably why I thought that because I never did great on the pacer.
Do you remember that in elementary school? Like a little bit. Oh man. There's probably some listeners going, oh my gosh. I remember that horrible. Well guess what? No one does the pacer when they're 30 years old, like, I am like, you don't do that anymore. So why am I not a runner because of the pacer test in elementary school?
Yeah. No, but I just feel you're like, I'm not a professional runner because I failed the pacer test when I was eight to 10 years old. It's fine. And like all the people that excelled at that, it sounds. Silly too. [00:46:00] It does. You know what I mean? Like it does when we really back it up, when you can start putting those pieces together, like, why do you tell yourself you don't work out?
Why do you tell yourself you just don't eat healthy? It's probably cuz you grow up in a family that never eat vegetables. That's fine. But you can change that. You have complete free will to change that God gave us free will, which is like the other piece. Puzzle. The other piece of this, like getting to know yourself better, that we don't tap into God gave us free will let's start like using that to our benefit and to his glory.
So we can just change the, I mean, that's breaking generational curses right there. If a lot of yourself, women and beliefs come from how you grew up. Well then goodness, like use that free will to your advantage and start changing it, you know? Yeah, I think we, so underutilize our ability to change, change the future when we're not relying so much on the past.
Well, this is, and, and then using that as an excuse, like, well, this is how I was brought up. Yeah. Well, this [00:47:00] is how my parents were. Okay. We have so much access to so much more now there's honestly, no. There really isn't because anything that you desire to wanna change, you have unlimited access available to you, but you have to realize that you are in control of making that change.
You didn't just go from, I'm not a runner to, well, now I am a runner. I know what built your belief each time. Was establishing those realistic wins. And when I say quote, unquote realistic, it was like, they didn't seem realistic until you went out there and you took imperfect action. Mm-hmm to take the first step to actually build the belief in the first place.
Yeah. And I think that that's something that's really miss missing today is you're talking to people and they drastically wanna change their situation. And they're so desperate. I don't just want this year to be different. This year has to be different. Well then are you willing to do something D. Yeah.
That's really the hard truth that it comes to. [00:48:00] Yes. You do have to like make a decision and then do something, but it's it's and I think , I call myself the tough love mom, but a lot of what I teach I'm like, but I'm gonna give you some grace to realize why it's hard for you to do this, because when you can realize that, then you can kind of face ahead on and go, well, it's hard, but I know why.
And so now I can do it. So the reason it can be so difficult and I just like geek out over this stuff. I'm sure you do too. You probably already know this thing, but. When you're tr like doing something for the first time when I ran, went and ran that 5k for the first time when I did a triathlon for the first time, all these things, when you do them for the first time, if it's.
You take, you never ate salad in your life. And you're like, I'm gonna start eating some salads and just like, get more veggies when you like, pour that salad into a bowl and take the first bite. All of that is the hardest time. It will be for you to do that action because you are getting over this hump of activation energy.
And so this is like all sciencey and I don't know that much about science, but I do under, I do know this [00:49:00] that when a chemical reaction starts. When they put chemicals together that make reactions, I don't know what they are, but when they do it needs activation energy to start the reaction. And that is the most energy it will use.
The entire, the entire length of that chemical reaction. And it is like exponentially higher than any of the rest of the energy needed for that chemical reaction. So basically when you're doing something for the first time, it's gonna take way more mental energy, way more determination. If you wanna use the word motivation, whatever it's gonna take way more of that decision, energy.
You saying I'm going to do this and it's gonna be hard and I don't wanna do it. And I don't feel like it, but I'm doing it. It take that is when it will take the most amount of energy for you to do that thing to follow through on that action. And all the times after that, it'll get a little bit easier, but you just have to know that it is the hardest to do it the first time, but once you do, it gets a little bit easier.
Every single. Will it will, it kind of wave. It's kinda like rollercoaster where [00:50:00] it'll, it'll get a little bit harder, but it'll never be higher than that first point in the rollercoaster where, where you drop down a lot. So I think it's good to know that because it is really hard and like there's no sugar coating any of that, but you can do it.
So do it get over that hump of that activation energy and then just ride the rest of it the rest of the way. And you'll know you did the hardest thing already. You already did the hardest. Yeah. And it's celebrating just that first action that getting outta bed that, you know, like I talk a lot about habit stacking.
I love what you said, because that really is it it's like that alarm goes off no matter whether you're going to the gym, whether you feel like it. It's like, I love Mel Robbins when she says, do like the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and then go. I love that because that's really what it is. It's like you decide in those first five to 10 seconds of being away or, you know, right before you're going to take that first action that you're talking about.
You will be all up in your head convincing yourself. Well, I can't because I don't have time or then I gotta drop the kids off. And then I have [00:51:00] this going on or I'm overwhelmed today, or I'm tired today, or I have a headache today. You will literally find whatever excuse it is that you're looking for. So you better be really careful that you know how to redirect yourself and what your pre-decision is gonna be based on commitment.
Um, in the time that you set it in, when you made that commitment, not your temporary feelings that you're feeling at the moment. So Liz, I am so grateful for this time. I just came up within the past couple seconds. Just this fun thing to kind of end our call today, which is gonna be a fast five. Are you ready?
I'm so ready. Okay. Fast five questions. So in as little words as possible, I'm not gonna like fire you and like cancel you if, if it's over a certain amount of words, but I'm gonna ask you five questions and it's the first thing that comes to mind and I'm probably gonna give you an anxiety attack. Oh man.
Yeah. Okay. We'll start with an easy one. Okay. What is your favorite guilty? Oh, uh, chocolate and peanut butter, anything dark chocolate, peanut butter though. Milk is like, yeah. Yeah, no. [00:52:00] Um, okay. Number two. What is the most powerful self development book or books? If there's multiple that you want to tell us about?
Okay, I'm gonna take the easy way out on this question. And I have a podcast episode where I went through the best books that I read and I like gave them a rating and a quick summary. It's a, I forgot what episode number is. I will send it to you so you can, yeah, I'll put it in the show now description.
Um, but it's got a huge list. I think the ones that come to mind that are really transformative for me are can't hurt me, but da David Goins clearly I'm a big fan. I feel like. Are you in David? Goggin's like fan club. Oh, big time. Yeah. look at my shirt. I, my gosh, I can't David Gogans shirt now. It sounds like I'm obsessed, but really like you're always grouping.
Yeah. I've never said this like publicly before, but I feel led to be like the, um, clean version of David Goggins for moms, but [00:53:00] like the Liz Henderson, the tough love mom for moms, because I don't feel like there's that voice out there. That's saying, yeah, motherhood's hard, but. Get through it, do it. Yeah. Do the hard things.
Do the cause you are capable. Um, I come from a different viewpoint than he does, but we have similar messages. Um, mine's just like clean and not explicit and a little more like relatable to moms refined. Um, that's kind how I feel. It's what I feel had to do, but that can't hurt me by David Goggins. Um, I can't think of other that's okay.
We'll link it in the show notes. I'm really putting you on the spot here, so yeah. Okay. Tell us something we don't wanna hear. Well, I think I just said it, like, there are lots of things and I'm, I'm speaking to mom specifically. Cause I do that all day, but in life, in general, there are things that are hard.
Absolutely. But you can do it like you can do the things that are hard. If you're constantly giving in, you're choosing that when you're giving into things that are hard, you're not doing it. You're not falling through. [00:54:00] That's a choice you made that. That's fine. It's in the past. Make a different one.
Mm-hmm yeah. Linda Tuban would say you are where you are based on the choices you made or the choices you allowed other people to make for you. Oh, that one burns. It burns so bad. I it's one of the ones I go back to all the time, but yeah, not making, not making a choice is a choice is a choice. Yep. Mm-hmm funny slash embarrassing.
My husband calls me Finnie. why I don't know. It's it was a progression of nicknames. Oh, okay. And then last one is famous. Slash favorite words to live by that really align with who you are in your mission. Okay. My dad had, I'm showing just right now on our zoom, but, um, my dad had this paper wait on his desk.
He worked from home in his home office growing up. I always went in there at the end of the day cause he worked from like sun up to sundown in that home office. Um, but I always walked in there and played with this paper way and he gave it to me a few years ago. [00:55:00] Um, getting emotional, but it says it's so fitting.
It says, what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? And I've lived by that my whole life. Um, I was kind of an underdog in the volleyball world and got myself, like I put my name out there to play volleyball at division one. I wanted that, like, it went for it, all the physical accomplishments I've done in my life.
It was all this, what would you attempt to do? If you knew you could not fail and now becoming a Christian, like with God you win, you always win. Whether it's the outcome you planned or not. And so it means even more now, but this paper, wait, what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? So too, you're gonna have to like, take a picture with that.
And we will use that for some, some sort of a podcast content or something, so, so perfect. Liz. I am so grateful for this time with you. Um, it's always just so much fun. I always learn so much and we just have great conversation and I'm just incredibly grateful for the woman that you are. And just wanted to honor you with that with [00:56:00] your ability to be vulnerable and courageous.
I know that that is like really stretching yourself different to a different place. But that is the type of woman that you are leading by example, to show other people what's possible. And I really admire that in you share with us how people can find you as we go out today. I wanna make sure that that's added
So the podcast that you can hear me on a couple times a week is the tough of mom podcast. It's everywhere. Um, the website is the tough love mom.com. So blog posts are up there about every episode. And anyways, if you wanna work with me and then on Instagram, I'm Mrs. Liz Henderson. I love being up in my stories, but, um, yeah, that's where you'll find me.
You can kind of get a, get to know me a little better there just as a. Everything else outside of podcasting and the topics I speak on. So yeah, those are the three places. Thank you so much for this Justine. It was an amazing conversation. I feel like we teach almost like some of the stuff you would say you were saying, that's what I teach.
Yes, I know. Right. So good. Yeah. It's so it's like, we're like. Simpatico. [00:57:00] You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's a big one for me. I that's, it's a new one. I don't really know where it came from. I trying Google that maybe the holy spirit. I don't know. but, um, she's so sticking fun. You guys, you have to go follow along her story.
She always makes me laugh. I'm always like, okay, what's Liz doing? What's Liz doing? I'm always popping in there. Just so fun to be around and so much great wisdom and so applicable to your life. So thanks again for being her friend. And we're gonna definitely have you back. Certain point, but I know that this is gonna bless a whole lot of people, including our mamas out there.
So thank you for being here. Absolutely. Thank you. Before you go. Thank you for spending this time with me on the tough love mom podcast. If this episode encouraged you in any way, the number one way you can thank me is to leave a review, letting me know how the show has impacted you. Then send this episode to another mom friend or.
Take a screenshot, post it on social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me on this journey to impact thousands of moms. I'm so grateful to be on this journey with [00:58:00] your sister until next time. Get after it.
